YES, I had another episode recently. (or is having another one)


"i never ever cried when i was feeling down
ive always been scared of the sound
jesus don't love me no-one ever carried my load
im too young to feel this old" - Kings of Leon (cold desert)











DON'T READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO HERE THE RAMBLING OF A DEPRESSED FAILED ARTIST. !_!






Well, It all started last week, Thursday. I asked for someone from the north shore animal lead to come over and pick up my dog max for heart worm treatment. And the next day they did. the guy smiled in my face, shook my hand was off with my Maxy. The next day i tried to call them to se how he was doing. no answer. The following day as i was at work, i get a call saying that they're not giving him back to us. That they found a new home for him....

Can you believe that?.... ;_;...

That day I smoked nearly a whole pack of cigarettes. felt like dieing. I have no back up on this. my pops is the root cause of all that mess to begin with. its too much of a long story to get into though.

My mom, really don't have the energy to fight...

I have/had nobody to help get my friend back...

So I came to terms with the world. Thought i could bring myself back togeather wit life. Thought i could clean up myself, and hit the books hard.Catch up on work that's been overdue and ext. but That night, I didn't do anything constructive. I just drew a bit...


So now today I thought i could clean up my act, and guess what happens?. I mess up again. cut two classes. college classes that i paid for. All that money just disappeared. all that experience is gone from me now. Why? because I'm a fool.

I really don't know what to do anymore. i keep hurting myself for no reason.

Every day it seems my load keeps getting heavier. I wonder what would happen if i just do nothing. Not go to work, not go to school, not do hw, not work on personal projects, not do house chores, not organize money, not eat, not drink, not to do anything.

I'm wondering if the load will eventually crush me, so i can finally have an eternity of miserable rest....

Sometimes I feel old. Like really old. like I'm 45 and still living under the oppression of my father's empire... And its too much things on my plate. I know I'm atoning for my sins from high school years, but to tell you the truth, Id rather had died back then than to continue this suffering. But i guess i was too smart.... or too lucky...

I know people have it worse. but they're strong, I'm physically and now feeling mentally weak...









HAPPIER NEWS:

Iv picked out my Autumn anime for this year. maybe after im done with it, i can relive last years Autumn anime.

An Autumn anime is an anime series i watch with my little sister. We watch like 4-5 episodes a week. Its just a little special thing we try to do every autumn. Gives us this strange feeling, so we can always mark that anime with that particular time.

Last year was Samurai Champloo. I might watch it again for winter.

This year, its Yu-Yu Hakusho! Season 1

So if I survive long enough from my own self, my own hell, then expect some Fan art. hven't done any in a long time though. !_!